You Can't Kill Stephen King

Director: Ronnie Khalil, Monroe Mann & Bob Madia (2012)
Starring: Monroe Mann, Ronnie Khalil, Crystal Arnette
Find it: IMDB

...Unless you're a van, of course, in which case you can have a damn good go at trying. Ahem. Bad taste, I apologise. Stephen King meets Scary Movie in You Can't Kill Stephen King, a spoof horror film about kids visiting Stephen King's hometown and promptly getting themselves killed there. Because of course they do. The characters are made up of dim stereotypes - there's the traumatised war veteran, the black dude who talks about how black he is all the time, and the girls who have big breasts. That's not me being dismissive or misogynistic, either - the film is completely fixated with the girls' titties. I mean, I love boobies as much as the next heterosexual chap, but, c'mon guys, characterisation is sexy.

None of this has anything to do with Stephen King. Aside from the fact that it's set in Maine and there's a boat named Christine, you'd be hard-pressed to find many Stephen King references in there. The main tune sounds a bit like that of The Shining, I suppose, but even that's inappropriate, given King's well-documented dislike of Kubrick's adaptation. I'm not sure that anyone involved has ever read a Stephen King novel, because there's none of his influence here.

What there is amounts to many ugly stereotypes, unfunny comedy, a cheap titty obsession, and an atrocious rap soundtrack. The Last Lovecraft was equally flawed, but you at least get the impression that those guys actually read and enjoyed the work of their titular author. The writers and directors of You Can't Kill Stephen King got as far as 'titular'. Well, no, they stopped at 'tit'. It's a shame, because it's obviously well-intentioned (no-one sets out to make a bad film, after all) and has a fantastic title. Don't let that fool you though - You Can't Kill Stephen King is a hoary old load of Tommyknockers.  

Doctor Who: The Movie

Director: Geoffrey Sax (1996)

Starring: Paul McGann, Eric Roberts, Daphne Ashbrook

Find it: IMDB

Knock-knock. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor Who? The infamously unsuccessful attempt at remaking Doctor Who for an American audience, that's who. How did they go about that? Well, thankfully Geoffrey Sax's Doctor Who doesn't re-cast the Doctor as an American (although, just sayin', Nicolas Cage would probably be up for it) but instead has Eric Roberts playing the Master and the Doctor kissing his assistants. Watching it now, there's a lot of groundwork laid for the Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat versions.

Crash-landing the TARDIS in San Franscisco on the eve of 1999, the Doctor is promptly shot, causing a regeneration from cuddly Sylvester McCoy to the rakish, Byronesque Paul McGann. The Master, meanwhile, is reborn as Eric Roberts, brother of Julia and slavering scenery-chewer. In spite of what its reputation might suggest, there's few sins here that the television series hasn't since repeated - kissing companions, crap sidekicks and a reliance upon deus ex machina. Even Roberts' unsubtle turn as the Master looks positively subtle compared to the mad gurning antics of John Simm. A touch too Terminator, maybe, but I like his Master. Eric Roberts, I'd bottom for you anytime. Even in that daft Dracula collar and cape.

McGann is excellent as the Doctor - by far the film's strongest suit. It's a shame that he never managed a full series, as he could have been really great. The radio plays and recent developments rectify this somewhat, but it still burns. Especially when you consider how the likes of Tennant ("I don't want to go") went on for (heresy, I know) a bit too long. I'm far from a Doctor Who scholar (aside from The Unearthly Child and a Tom Baker and Peter Davison episode here and there, I've not seen much outside of nu-Who) but I'd already rank McGann as my second favourite to Christopher Eccleston. Less is more, I guess.

This TV movie is funny, fast-paced and fun for fans and newbies alike. It gets a bit silly towards the end, and the Master's minion is annoying, but this is in no way the absolute failure some would have you believe it to be.