Confine

Director: Tobias Tobbell (2013)
Starring: Daisy Lowe, Eliza Bennett, Alfie Allen
Find it: IMDB

An agoraphobic ex-model finds her space invaded by an art thief and her partner in crime. Maybe she would have been able to run away if she wasn't wearing such stupid high heels and also agoraphobic. So commences a sparse British thriller starring an actual model and Lily Allen's brother, Alfie. I'm told Alfie is in A Game of Thrones now (then, so is the dude from off've the Tesco adverts, so that's not saying much) but I'm predisposed to hate anyone called 'Alfie', because, unless you are literally Michael Caine, that is not a name you are cool enough to pull off. Case in point: Shane Richie and Alfie Allen.

Daisy Lowe is fine as an actress until she actually has to speak. Her confrontation with an armed intruder is limp and said with the same conviction as I'd use, when saying "no, I don't mind doing overtime" or "sure, I'd love to listen to you tell me all about your boring-ass life." Eliza Bennett doesn't fare much better either. At least Lowe has an excuse - she's not a professional actress, after all. I had tuned in hoping for something like The Disappearance of Alice Creed, but Lowe and behold, that's not what I found. This is British filmmaking at its dullest and wearing a cockney accent.

At least our heroine is an obliging hostage, staying put despite the fact that her bonds are shite and silent even though her crap captors never bother to gag her. "WTF?" dim Henry exclaims, upon his arrival. WTF indeed. Soon Henry is all tied up too, in a hostage drama in which everyone's a hostage and no-one cares. It's a battle of wits amongst the witless. "What was that?" Kayleigh wonders, when Pippa finally attempts an escape. Bollocks, that's what.

It's not confine, not confine at all.