The Taint

Director: Drew Bolduc & Dan Nelson (2010)

Starring: Drew Bolduc, Ariel Canton, Cody Crenshaw

Find it: Official website, IMDB

Comes loaded with a perfectly apt moniker. I certainly feel tainted by this movie. The Taint is like The Crazies, only filtered through the likes of South Park, John Waters and elements of Peter Jackson's Braindead. It's one of the most gleefully obscene things I've ever seen. The Taint is a movie which you couldn't even begin to synopsisis-se for your mother without getting an earful. If you thought The Human Centipede was bad (bless you) well, you've never seen a man on a skateboard, draped in an American flag, shooting at bulging boners with a .44 Magnum. It's a bizarre movie, relishing its low budget rather than being constrained by it. It reminds me of the cult TV show Darkplace. Only a lot more disgusting.

The titular Taint is the result of medical experimentation gone terribly wrong. In an attempt to produce a manhood enhancing drug, scientists accidentally unleash a sort of horny zombie apocalypse upon the world; one which turns the infected into raging 'misogynists' - "monsters who want nothing more than to crush women's heads with rocks". Do you like penis and jizz? I hope so, because you'll be seeing a lot of both in The Taint. Awesomely haired Phil O' Ginny (Bolduc) is one of the few uninfected. Whilst fleeing the misogynist hordes, he happens across a fellow survivor, with whom he forms a tentative alliance. Can he stay uninfected, survive and maybe even discover the cause of the infection? Maybe, but I shouldn't worry. It's all just an excuse for unbelievable amounts of violence, gore, swearing and spraying jizz.

To be sure, The Taint isn't everyone's cup of tea. Those with a low tolerance for gross-out humour and bodily functions would be well advised to keep clear. Likewise, those who like their flicks with Hollywood gloss won't get on with the Troma-esque gonzo splatter and intentional trashiness. But that's fine - I've seen enough over-serious STD bores to last a lifetime. I'll take mine with a sense of humour, lots of cock and a streak of horrid inventiveness any day, thank you. Consider me proudly and forever Tainted.