Twilight: The graphic novel

[Moody-arse horror 'critic' probably-unfairly rags on popular culture item Part 3]

Saying that I don't hate Twilight the graphic novel as much as I hate Twilight the book or Twilight the movies is a bit like saying I hate breaking my arm slightly less than I hate breaking my leg. And to wit, I hate breaking my bones in general just as much as I hate the Twilight phenomenon as a whole. Start again, shall I? This paragraph is making no sense.

Twilight: The Graphic Novel will make your brain rot until it forgets how to read, write or distinguish between good and shit. I suppose it's only apt that Meyer's novels be adapted into graphic novels, since it's an entirely visual story. 90% of the book's prose consists of elaborate descriptions of Edward or Jacob (the other 10%: bad plotting and ridiculous things). The words in a Twilight book/movie/comic are as unimportant as the script of a porno. It's all wank-fodder anyway, so why bother?

Volume 1 collects the first Twilight book in picture-and-speech-bubbles form. The art, by Manga illustrator Young Kim isn't actually as bad as one might expect. It even does a better job of portraying the characters' love story than either the novel or the movie. It speaks volumes for her talents that Edward and Mary-Sue are far less annoying here than they've ever been. And you can even sort-of sense a little bit of an emotional undercurrent to things. Poor Pattinson and Stewart, outclassed by a pair of cartoons. It's not quite to my tastes, but I've seen worse artwork in a comic book. Unfortunately, it is still based on Meyer's prose and plot, so there's not a great deal Kim can do to save things. And that story and dialogue is as dull, lifeless and uneventful as ever.

Sparkling still looks stupid when rendered in comic-book form, and the dialogue is still atrocious. Furthermore, it has perhaps the worst speech-bubble placement I've ever seen in a comic book. The bubbles look as if they've been lazily photoshopped on as an afterthought and quite often sit slap-bang in the centre of a character's face. They couldn't even be fucked to draw on the lashes properly. A more literal example of Meyer's dialogue ruining her work.

Twilight: The Graphic Novel is obviously and consistently terrible, but not really in the same league as anything else of the brand. It's merely tolerable, which I suppose is an improvement.