Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

Director: Kim Henkel (1994)

Starring: Renee Zellweger, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Jacks, Idiots.

Find it online: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE

Every longstanding horror franchise has its missteps. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Happens to the best of 'em. Freddy had that time where he died, Michael got Resurrected and Jason Went to Hell. But whereas most of those pieces had their mostly ironic moments (the return of Johnny Depp, Kung Fu Busta Rhymes and, heck, I like Jason Goes to Hell) Leatherface's biggest fuck-up stinks on every single level. It's an utterly unenjoyable, horrible movie which makes me feel actually quite furious whenever I attempt to watch it.

But for you lovely readers watch it I did again last night; an experience so traumatising it made me completely fuck up that last half-sentence in way of Yoda proportions. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1994 is the single worst Next Generation since Insurrection. This is a movie so irredeemably shitty that even Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey are (probably) embarrassed to list it on their already excrementally-inclined CVs. McConaughey is bad, but Zellweger is so terrible that it makes you wonder how she managed to get any sort of acting job anywhere after this. Marilyn Burns she ain't. Fuck, she's not even in Jessica Biel's league. The only people likely to enjoy Bridget Jones in this movie are randy foot fetishists, thrilled by the fact she never wears any shoes.

Renee is a virginal young stereotype out on her school Prom Night. Somehow she ends up in a car with some annoying friends. The annoying friends crash their car down on a Texas backroad and find themselves harrassed by Leatherface and his idiotic family. Now, Renee and her friends are annoying, but Kim Henkel and Co manage to find a collection of people even more annoying than that. Even Leatherface is relentlessly mind-blowingly grating in this movie.

Wherein the screencapture says more than the review itself ever could

But not nearly as much so as Matthew McConaughey and his remote-controlled leg. It's the singlemost horrible performance ever delivered by anyone in the history of anything, ever. Literally every moment Matthew McConaughey is onscreen is a moment is a moment I wish I was either dead or deaf. And he's onscreen a lot. His character is like TCM2's Choptop, only amplified by ten and multiplied by the terrible acting of Matthew fucking McFuckingConaughey. Scratch what I said three sentences ago - every moment Matthew McConaughey is onscreen is a moment I wish HE was either dead, dead or dead. And he can take that awful version of Leatherface with him too. "I know what would make The Texas Chainsw Massacre better - if Leatherface was shit and dressed like a woman." It's a version of the character in which he gets told to shut up by Rene Zellweger and actually does. At that precise moment I wanted to throw my television outta the window. Or even better, at her stupid head. Or even better than that, at Kim Henkel's head. Kim Henkel is apparently to Chainsaw Massacres what George Lucas is to Indiana Jones. This is his Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Substitute Shia LeFuckingBouf for Matthew McFuckingFuckaghey. You know what would make this movie better? Illuminati men with big nipple rings.

Well yes, it gets better from there. No wait, worse. A lot worse. Because the family are actually employees of the Illuminati or whatever, chosen specifically to scare the hell out of people. Yes, you read that right. But at least by then you won't have the energy left to give a fuck, because toothless Leatherface and his twatty new family will have sapped it all out of you. Matthew McConaughey being hit on the head with an airplane should elicit cheers, but it's a moment full of unintended bathos and as about as bullshitty stupid as the rest of the movie.

Likewise, cameos from Marilyn Burns, John Dugan and Paul Partain all fall flat thanks to the preceeding 90-odd minutes of pissing all over their legacy. The Next Generation is a horrible entry into a previously excellent franchise, a horrible horror movie and an all around horrible movie in general. I've watched a lot of foecal movies in my time, but none have ever made me as all-out angry as this lazy, insulting excuse for a movie.