Ever wonder what a (modern) Steven Seagal movie would be like without even Steven Seagal to laugh at? The answer is Half Past Dead 2 (Rotting O' Clock or A Quarter to Deader, surely?) a movie so terrible even Seven Seagal or Ja Rule wouldn't star in it. Instead wrestler Bill Goldberg handles Big Hardman duties, with rapper (so they tell me) Kurupt as his sidekick. I've literally no idea why this movie exists, but there was nothing else on and this column needs writing.
If I remember right, the first Half Past Dead had Steven Seagal as an undercover FBI agent trapped in Alcatraz with (c)rapper Ja Rule as his sidekick. The plot consisted of some ugly terrorist types trying to find the location of some hidden gold via a soon-to-be-executed convict. Like the Shawshank Redemption really, except uterlly not. It was to be the last Seagal movie with a cinematic release (at least up until this year's Machete) and heralded the arrival of his Straight To DVD era. Even for a late Seagal curiosity, Half Past Dead is a stupid, boring movie. Like the Rock except without any of the humour, excitement or Good. See, you're practically getting two reviews for the price of one here. The more I write on HPD2's predecessor is the less time I have to spend thinking about the terrible sequel.
Kurupt reprises his role as 'Twitch', a mouthy annoyance character. I don't remember him being in the first one, but there you go. The less I remember about this franchise the better. Anyway, this time he's transferred to an even harder prison than Alcatraz, where he meets
Santa Claus Burke (Goldberg) and finds himself in the middle of a gang war between rival gangs. Like Prison Break, except without good actors, good storylines or, well, anything Good. There are some perfunctory fight scenes and explosions, but it's as worthless a sequel as one could ever expect to find. Why anyone would ever write, make or watch this waste of DVD disc/airtime is beyond me.
Prison movies always have the potential to be good, but usually just end up being a lazy excuse for half-arsed action, stupid tough guy dialogue and charicature villainy. Not only does HPD2 check every single one of those boxes, but it creates a bunch more. It's boring, slightly mysoginistic and crap to boot. This is one franchise that should have called it a day at the chime of Dead O' Clock*.
* Shit, two posts ending with crap puns on movie titles in a row? This review hole is really starting to stink.