Obligatory Valentines' Post I: Valentine

Director: Jamie Blanks (2001)

Starring: David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Katherine Heigel
Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

They say Valentines’ Day is but an excuse for greeting card companies to make lots and lots of lovely money. But also, and like most holidays and seasonal occasions: a tie-in horror movie.

My Bloody Valentine is probably the most obvious candidate. Last year’s one has already been reviewed here, but rest assured that the original version is up for review soon. For now (because it’s not Valentines’ Day just yet. We don’t wanna waste the main attraction) how about the shitty 2001 slasher flick starring David Boreanaz?

Make no Bones about it, Valentine isn't a very good movie.

Bones... geddit?

GET IT

Director Jamie Blanks is most famous for the quite-similar Urban Legend, which should clue you in on how good Valentine isn’t. Actually, it’s not as good as Urban Legend, which should also clue you in on how good Valentine isn’t. It stars Angel from off’ve Buffy, although he looks utterly bored throughout (and, reportedly, spent as little time as he could filming the thing). Denise Richards and Lady Knocked Up from off’ve Knocked Up show up to no memorable effect.

The only thing I remember about this movie is repeatedly thinking “I bet David Boreanaz is the killer” throughout, and then feeling like a smartass when the final ‘twist’ proved me right. But, well, guessing the twist to Valentine is like arguing over the internet or beating someone at Warhammer: even if you win, you’re still retarded: and you watched Valentine from start to finish. It’s as hollow a victory as the Question Time thing with Thick Griffin: oh well done, you made a moron look stupid. Valentine is such a dull movie that I just wasted a whole paragraph on an entirely different subject, just so’s to avoid having to think any more about the dull dullness that is Valentine.

Alumni from the Megan Fox school of acting show how it's done in Vacant Expressions of Vague Unease: The Movie.

Our killer’s vendetta starts in the 80s’. It’s the Valentines’ Day dance, and poor schmuck Jeremy just can’t seem to get a date. Rejected by all the hot girls in his school, he has little option but to make out with the class fatty. To add insult to injury, fatty claims that Jeremy assaulted her, and has him beaten up. As motives go, Jeremy’s is pretty pathetic, but hey, guys tend not to forget that sort of thing. Years later: a loon in a Cupid mask is stalking the girls, murdering them up one-by-one. But surely the movie wouldn’t be so dumb as to have the most obvious candidate end up being the killer…. Right?

Oh.

If you like bloodless Scream rip-offs, you might just be able to tolerate Valentine. At least it’s forgettable enough to not really matter in the long term. Valentine is the equivalent of the sympathy Valentines’ card that your mother or your fucking cat sends every year. And all this seasonal-movie nonsense just raises a much bigger, far more important question: where the fuck is my Pancake Day horror movie?!?