Twilight: New Moon

Yes, dear Twilight fan, it's a bad review. But just look at the totally hunky young men, and ignore all those pesky words.

Director: Chris Weitz (2009)
Starring: Some girl. She's not important. Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Find it online: No, don't.

Possibly the most misogynistic movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen The Condemned. It’s ironic that the Twilight ‘saga’ * are girly-flicks, since the amount of distain directed towards its leading lady is truly incredible. This is a movie destined to be watched by too many young, impressionable girls, and creator Stephenie Meyer sends out the message that a woman should be beholden and subservient to – and completely defined by – her man (or men). Bella Swan is an afterthought to the Twilight series; a plot device that exists only to have Edward and Jacob interact with her.

New Moan picks up not long after the first one left off. Mary Sue and vampire Edward Cullen are still tentatively seeing each other, although poor Mary Sue is starting to have doubts, fearing that Edward will lose interest in her as he remains ageless. It’s a wonder he didn’t lose interest sooner, to be frank. Mary Sue’s the least interesting and most unlikeable person in the movie. I guess she appeals to girls’ sense of self-loathing. Edward’s understandably hesitant to turn her into a vamp. I can’t think of anything worse than spending eternity with such a girl.

Eventually he tires of her boringness or something, and fucks off to Italy to try and get himself killed by a coven of vampire lords. Back home, Bella is distraught and gets all self-destructive. Meanwhile, cartoon werewolf Jacob Black starts making moves on Edward’s sloppy seconds. Lo, uninteresting love story becomes uninteresting love triangle. But at least Shark Boy is capable of pulling more than one facial expression. Ladies will like his allergy to clothes too. There’s more buff six-packs on show here than in one of your sister’s magazines. It distracts from the fact that Jacob’s interest in Bella here is even less plausible than Edward’s. He’s one of the few likeable characters, and it’s hard to see why he’d be at all interested in a girl like Bella; she’s needy, miserable and incapable of living a life outside of her men. Hers is idiotic and irresponsible characterisation. But if it leads to Twilight fans jumping off cliffs and suchlike, then I'm all for it.

When not swooning over its cast’s moody muscular men, Poo Poon spends its time watching Bella get all depressed and suicidal, under the belief that jumping off a cliff will make Edward want her again. Way to send out a message, Twilight. There could’ve been an interesting film about forbidden love and age-old vampire covens and wars between vamps & werewolves**, but New Moon is more interested in watching Bella sulk. It’s one of the most wilfully morose movies of recent years, and I can’t see why anyone would want to watch that.

The acting is pretty horrible. Martin Sheen and the screamy one off’ve War of the Worlds briefly add a bit more gravitas than the movie deserves, but everyone else is charisma free. None of the leads share any chemistry, and R-Patz and Kristen Stewart are saddled with the most thankless roles ever created, anywhere, ever. Patz again plays Edward as an emotionally retarded virgin, whilst Stewart’s Bella has little to do but sulk and pine.


“You’re not the target audience” Twilight’s fans will claim, no doubt in the opinion that I should fuck off and leave their beloved saga alone. Well, that’s somewhat true, but Stephenie Meyer started it. Someone who’s never read Dracula and hates vampire fiction has no right to be writing about fucking vampires, much less making them sparkle. When Edward Cullen’s fucking face isn’t brooding up at me from my copy of Fangoria; when I can look through the ‘horror’ section of without being bombarded with Twilight shit; that’s when I’ll leave Twilight alone.

New Moon is no worse than its predecessor, but is no better either. The Twilight saga is one that exists in its own vacuum of infinite awfulness. They can play switcheroo with the directors all they like (next up: David Slade) but the source material will remain horrible. This is a series derided by pretty much everyone involved. The stars and directors have no passion it. The movie producers only wanna make money off’ve it. It seems that the only ones not clued in on the joke are Stephenie Meyer and her audience. It's the lady equivalent of a Fast & Furious movie, only with the cars replaced with six-packs. And yah, that is as terrible as it sounds.

Still, I'll be the first in line*** to see a vampire baby chestburster rip its way out of Mary Sue's belly. And even more first in line to see Jacob fall in love with said baby.

* Um, Stephenie - it's a tad egotistical to proclaim your own work a saga.
** Well, probably not actually. Van Helsing or Underworld, anyone??
*** Figuratively speaking. Actually, I'll be stealing that shit online.

1 comment:

  1. Words cannot express my dislike for everything about Twilight...