Director: Uwe Boll (2007)
Starring: Michael Pare, Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller
Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

Watching Uwe Boll’s serial-killer opus Seed, one gets the impression that the good doctor was entirely pissed off when writing/directing his latest shit-fest. Seed – not, unusually, based on a video game – is the least worst movie of the German director’s career. It is also, without a doubt, the most violent and nihilistic thing he’s ever made; it’s far more offensive than Postal tried to be, and is completely, utterly humourless. It’s as if Boll, pissed off with the criticism and bad reception, went out and shat a whole load of fuck and bile into his word-processor; the pure blood, sweat and tears evidently poured into Seed was obviously intended to show us all; Raging Boll indeed.

After that first paragraph, you might expect a good review to follow. Much as my fear of a beating from the notorious boxer-cum-bad-director is great, my hate for Seed is more. Like I said, Seed is the least-worst movie on Boll’s CV (note: this review was written prior to his far superior Rampage) . Unfortunately, that’s like saying Cheryl Cole is the least-worst Girl Aloud. Seed is as much a terrible movie in its own right as Cheryl Cole is still a cretinous noise when not surrounded by fellow bad singers.

Anyway, onto the plot. The titular Maxwell Seed is a particularly nasty serial killer (666 victims to date) who enjoys taunting the cops with videos of his victims in various states of being dead. Eventually, Seed is captured by detective Bishop (Michael Pare), convicted of his crimes, and sentenced to fry in the electric chair. Due to a faulty chair, Seed is buried alive. Inevitably, the serial killer digs himself up, and sets about wreaking bloody vengeance.

Mistaking violence and gore for plot and suspense, Boll fills his film with plenty of sadistic, gruesome and bloody imagery; real-life PETA footage, multiple baby murder and (attempted) man-rape are all present and accounted for, along with a whole bunch of torture porn guff. The nadir would be a lengthy, uncut scene in which Seed repeatedly hammers a victim around the face with a hatchet, his blows getting increasingly harder with each strike. Such a scene is representative of Seed as a whole, really; the audience hammered repeatedly around the face with one stupid idea after another.

Unlike most of his other films, Boll has tried to imbue Seed with a message. And it really is a doozy. Mankind, see, isn’t very nice. The resulting film has very little to say. Outside of the (admittedly shocking) violence, Seed has nowhere to go and nothing to do. So the serial killer wanders around for a bit, with a little bit of torture here, and a smidgin of brutality there, until the whole thing just ends

Just like that. It runs out of things to say, and the movie ends on an abrupt, obviously sequel-baiting note. It’s a pointless exercise in cynicism and self-assured fury. Seed may be one of the most technically good of all Boll’s films, but it’s also the easiest to hate.

1 comment:

  1. I like to see you make a better film. in fact, I like to see you in the boxing ring. i fuck you up. I fuck you up in the face. you and all teh internets