I Know Who Killed Me

Director: Chris Sivertson (2007)
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonaugh, Crab Man
Find it: IMDB

In the wake of Li-Lo’s brushes with the law, drug troubles and sweeping Razzie wins, some say that her 2007 piece I know who Killed Me might be too easy a target for ridicule. Those same people surely underestimate how stinkingly, shockingly awful I Know who Killed Me is. And yet, either despite or because of its horrible reputation, I Know Who Killed Me is one of my favourite movies ever. Alongside Nicolas Cage's The Wicker Man.

The film acts as a sort of sequel to Lindsay’s breakthrough hit, The Parent Trap. Somehow, the twins have become separated and, at the start of the movie, have no knowledge of each other. It's quite a bold movie by Disney, reinvigorating the franchise with a horror sequel. Look out for Freaky Friday II, in which Li-Lo swaps bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis again. She has to rescue her mother from the grips of a serial killer before he destroys both mommy dearest and Lohan’s body.

One of the Lindsay Lohans works as a stripper who never actually strips, whilst the other wears intelligent spectacles and takes creative writing classes at school. As you might expect, it’s easier to buy into Lohan as a stripper than an intelligent student. She’s not very good as either, but the idea of Lindsay Lohan doing well at school is a leap of faith too far. A leap too far even for a movie which ends with her wearing a battery operated foot.

The supposedly intelligent Lohan is kidnapped and gratuitously tortured with blocks of ice and the colour blue. Watching I Know Who Killed Me for the first time, I was surprised by how gruesome the violence really is. Poor Aubrey comes out of her ordeal minus a leg, some fingers and possibly her mind. She insists that she isn’t Aubrey, but moreover, her twin, Dakota the prudish stripper. As you see, just like The Parent Trap, with one twin pretending to be the other, and vice versa. If you ask me, that aforementioned kiddie-flick could have used a serial killer, to alleviate the Dennis Quaid (replaced in this movie with the much more fun Neal McDonaugh).

Colour blind people and dogs should not watch this movie, because a lot of the subtext will be lost on them. Neither should people with Cyanophobia. Come to think of it, nobody should watch this movie, but you’ll need access to a full palette of colour vision to fully appreciate it. There is a lot of blue in this flick. I’m sure there’s some complex psychological reason for it, but it just comes across as pretentious. Everything is blue here, from a rose given to Aubrey to the gag and pill shoved in her mouth during the torture scenes. I'm still disappointed that nobody bothered to use 'Blue (Da Ba Dee)' by Eiffel 65 on the soundtrack. Conversely, the palette switches to red when she’s in the ‘Dakota’ persona to emphasize that she’s a whore now.

Actually an actual screencap from the actual movie.

The acting is a mixed bag. Lindsay Lohan is terrible throughout, except for when she plays being drunk, which she has a lot of practice at. The supporting cast of teenagers aren’t noticeably bad, but Lohan creates such a vacuum of awfulness that it’s hard to notice anyone else anyway. Well, anyone except for Neal McDonaugh and my personal favourite, Eddie Steeples as a kindly Doctor who helps Aubrey/Dakota come to terms with her mechanical leg. That's right, Eddie Steeples; Crab Man of My Name Is Earl fame.

I Know who Killed me is a movie so utterly terrible that it becomes accidentally quite brilliant. For this reason, I find myself unable to accurately rate the thing. Technically:

But if I'm being honest with myself:

I Know Who Killed My Credibility. Lindsay Lohan did, with her stupidly entertaining shitty movie.

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