5. P2

Note: some elements of this review have been re-purposed from an older version written in 2011. Because nobody needs two reviews of P2. 

Director: Franck Khalfoun (2007)
Starring: Rachel Nichols, Wes Bentley, Simon Reynolds
Find it: IMDB

Christmas really drives home the loneliness, doesn't it? Cheerful couples walking around, hand in hand, planning a Christmas full of presents and sex together. Love, Actually on TV. Kissing under the mistletoe. Cheerful bastards. Thomas (Bentley) is a security guard who works in a parking garage beneath the office block where the lovely Angela (Nichols) works. Come Christmas Eve, and Thomas snaps. He grabs Angela and holds her hostage in his security booth, determined to make her fall for him. 

2011 segment of review. A ghost from Christmas past, if you will: co-written by Gallic horror maestro Alexandre Aja (2016 edit: remember him?) P2 shows just how unbalanced Christmas can make people. Which singletons among us haven't considered kidnapping a crush just so's we have someone to spend Christmas with?

LOL kidnap jokes. Not really. I spend every Christmas stalking my ex on Facebook, screaming the lyrics to Last Christmas by Wham! at the computer screen, until it becomes blurred behind a film of my own furious drunken spittle.

LOL, I'm a psychopath. Not really. She's blocked me on Facebook. I actually spend every Christmas sitting in my underpants with no presents, crying and watching Silent Night, Deadly Night OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. End 2011 segment of review. Christ, did I really use the word 'LOL' and make kidnap jokes? 

P2 is like a gender-reversed version of the Australian thriller The Loved Ones - which is to say, straightforward as it comes and unashamed of its exploitation cliche. With its parking lot setting, creepy obsessive kidnapper and vicious canine action, P2 is like The Loved Ones crossed with The Dark Knight crossed with The Human Centipede 2. Put that in your blurb and smoke it (2016 edit: they didn't). Wes Bentley impresses as the quietly sinister Thomas, and Angela a trooper for putting up with the crap director Franck Khalfoun puts her through.

It's not particularly memorable (I had to re-watch it for this feature, which is one more time than I ever figured I would watch P2 in my life) but it is taut, suspenseful, grisly, and has an Elvis Christmas song on the soundtrack. For sure, it'll make you think twice about wandering around parking garages late on Christmas Eve.


  1. Man do I love me some P2. That white dress that he puts her in? Oh-la-lah!

  2. Hey, great minds think alike - I just reviewed P2 as well. Did you also find the boobies a bit distracting?

  3. Ha, yes, that dress and those boobs are quite distracting. In the very best way, of course.

  4. I need to give this a second look. I don't remember liking it, but sometimes I appreciate things more the second time.

  5. Fuck it, I'm asking Santa for a stalker this year, you made it sound quite appealing!

  6. Oh, they're the new must-have accessory.