Total Eclipse of the Brain: a Twilight review

Oh-em-gee. Featuring an EXCLUSIVE interview with Twilight and Martyrs star K-Stew

Director: David Slade (really?) (2010)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, The Moustache
Find it online: Here, this might help.

'Shout Magazine': There's been a lot of action in the other Twilight films. Do you do anything physical in this movie?
Kristen Stewart: No, I don't. I have no physical activity in this film at all. I am basically carried around by Jacob the whole time.

Totally legitimate reading material


Ah, such a positive role model. Although to be fair, I'd love a job which required me to do fuck all aside from be carried around by Taylor 'Abs' Lautner. Twilight star Kristen Stewart there, courtesey of one of my sister's magazines. And so ends the Review Hole's first exclusive interview, only it isn't and I didn't ask the questions and Kristen Stewart doesn't know who I am. Anyway.

Ragging on Twilight is starting to feel a bit like bullying the special kid at school now. But this movie is akin to the special kid wearing a great big target on his mbooby t-shirt and a 'dunce' hat atop his super-special little head. And besides, bullying is fun. In New Moan, we watched as Edward ran off to Italy, Mary-Sue jumped offa' a cliff and hunky werewolf Jacob Black upped his silly stalking campaign. To wit, she's not pregnant yet, nor a vampire, and she's still staring vacuously into distances like a gloomier Megan Fox. In Eclipse we have a very good director making the first legitimately bollocks movie of his career. How does one follow up 30 Days of Night with this? How does one go from Hard Candy (a movie about a paedophile) to Twilight (a movie about.... oh).

Nevertheless, I like and am slightly scared of David Slade so there rests my criticism of his persona. Suffice to say that my hopes of Eclipse turning out like a 30 Days/Aphex Twin video have gone firmly unrealised. Reality, you suck tits. I live in endless hope that his directing Eclipse might lead to some unsuspecting Twi-hards (sorry, the other word - fucking morons) happening across an Aphex Twin video or Hard Candy. ZOMG WHAT IS JUNO DOING TO HIS BALLS

In Eclipse, some things actually happen. None of them are in any way interesting or good, but it's a definite improvement over the uneventful navel gazing of its predecessors. Yes, eagle-eyed readers, that's almost a compliment. And Eclipse is an almost good tolerable competent movie. It's the least terrible Twilight so far. Who knows, if the franchise were to carry on indefinitely, it might become good by about the twentieth movie at this rate. Well, probably not. But it helps that more things actually, y'know happen here.

The first thing to happen and not involve sparkling or shirtless werewolves is a pre-credits sequence in which some helpless young lad is munched upon by vampires. It was such a surprise to see something actually happening that I had to go check I was watching the right movie. Thankfully for fans of bad cinema, the action soon skips back to Forks and its gaggle of pathetic vampires, self-loathing desperate women and hunky werewolves. Once again, there are but two stars of the show - Sharkboy's abdomens and Charlie's moustache. They should give that moustache and those abs their own spin-off movie. Also on the scene is a ginger vampire who I'm apparently supposed to remember from the first thing.

There's nearly the most unerotic threesome I've ever seen and a lot of sulking and stalking. Nobody even has sex, which is a missed opportunity if ever there was one. It's a peculiar beast, both promoting low-self esteem and abstinence at the same time. Bad luck horny schoolboys, you'll be expected to get ripped and act all emotionally abusive, but fuck off if you think yer getting laid.

Needless to say, Eclipse sucks massive hippo balls. Still, there's definite improvements to the proceedings this time. The dialogue seems a little more self-aware (mostly regarding Jacob's shirtlessness) and the step up in action is noticeable. It's mind-numbingly and stultifyingly idiotic, but more or less at the same level now as such blokey-orientated staples as Transformers 2 or anything else that stars Shia LeBouf or Megan Fox. Well, maybe I've just grown weary of this shit. It takes effort to hate something as much as I hate this franchise, y'know? Nevertheless, please be upstanding for the return of a Mister Johnny Cash, specially for our third Twilight review:

10 comments:

  1. So did you see this alone, or with your sister perhaps?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sort of the first one; I watched it online, inbetween getting drunk & youtubing 'Lonely Island' and 'Smash Mouth' videos. I know, streaming movies is wrong. Baaad reviewer. But to be fair, it was 'Twilight' so it'll make an obscene amount of money anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The title for this post is perfect! How has no one else been using TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE BRAIN? Genius!

    JM

    ReplyDelete
  4. Apparently, Mr. Slade over here posted an interesting message on his twitter last year saying he wouldn't "touch Twilight with a ten-foot pole." No one can deny their love for sparkly vampires, though. Too bad for Slade, he had a really good run.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aww man I used to read shout magazine! It was fucking terrible bile.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Haha, fucking terrible bile. Quote for the day.

    ReplyDelete
  7. YAY! GO TEAM AMY, GO!

    Now, do I win a prize?

    ReplyDelete
  8. A free copy of 'Shout' magazine!
    No?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm gonna do a Gwyneth Paltrow now..This is the most special day of my life!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Okay, did not know that the same dude who directed Hard Candy directed this. I am now very disappointed! I love Hard Candy.

    ReplyDelete