MY FAVOURITE OTHER PEOPLES' MISFORTUNES
Don't worry, it becomes horror related later on. In a week in which Paris Hilton gets arrested for possession (later to get a friend to take the rap, yah boo sucks) and Mel Gibson makes another racist faux-pas, what better time to wallow in a bit of schadenfreude and celebrate the misfortunes of someone other than ourselves. Wahey, you fucked up. Starting, aptly enough with:
Paris Hilton gets dead in House of Wax: I'm not sure which is the bigger surprise - that House of Wax didn't completely suck or that Paris Hilton isn't the worst actress in the entire world (nearly, but Megan Fox is still at large). Nevertheless, the most (only) memorable moment in the movie sees an underwear-dwelling Ms. Hilton on the run from our killer. Technically I suppose she looks good in her grundies, although I'm so used to hating the socialite cum-Scream Queen that it's hard to fancy her now. And besides, she's always overshadowed in my
pants mind by the delectable Elisha Cuthbert. The moment when her character is impaled in the face with a metal pole? Most applauded thing I've ever seen in a cinema.
Matthew McConaughey gets twatted with an aeroplane in The Next Generation: Okay, the moment is ruined by the rest of the movie and the bathos of it all - but I'd spent so long wishing for McConaughey's death in The Next Generation that when he gets his via aeroplane to the back of the head, I couldn't help but smile. And then scream at the screen s'more.
Cedric Diggory bites it in That Harry Potter Movie: A bit of a retrospective one, but if you just watch his death scene in The Goblet of Fire, you can kinda pretend that it's Sparkletits the pansy vampire getting his just desserts instead of the more mediocre and undeserving Cedric Diggory.
Danny Dyer gets his head kicked in for Straightheads & Outlaw; tortured in Severance & Doghouse; slapped in Hardest Men; sacked from Nuts magazine: It's a perhaps well-known theory of mine (well, if you've read this review) that any Danny Dyer movie is only watchable if his character is soundly tortured throughout the movie. The only time you'll ever see me use the phrase 'torture porn' in a review is for a Danny Dyer review. Because there's a good chance I'll be getting my rocks off by seeing the cockney wee shite's head kicked in. I
could watch this video all day long:
Likewise, That episode of Lost where Sawyer beats the shit out of Jack: I love Lost and I even grew to kinda like Doc Jack by the end, but the final episode of Season 5 was paydirt for me. Jack and Sawyer finally get down to business, after four seasons of tension and possible homoeroticism. Although Jack gets a few good digs in, Sawyer obviously comes out on top. Watching him bash Doc Jack's face in is a nice bit of payback for every whinge and whine uttered by the Doc up until that point. And Doc Jack whinges & whines a lot.
Failing certain missions in GTA: San Andreas: For me, the hardest missions in San Andreas to complete were the ones in which main character CJ is accompanied by cohort 'Ryder'. Not because the missions themselves were difficult, but moreso because I was unable to restrain myself from shooting Ryder in the stupid fucking face. I failed the formative missions a multitude of times, each for a different reason: parking a taxi on Ryder's head, stomping Ryder's head into the ground, beating Ryder in the face with a baseball bat, shooting Ryder in the face with a pistol/shotgun/uzi/assault rifle. Imagine my joy when one of the later missions allowed me to assassinate stupid fucking Ryder right in his stupid fucking face. See also: Nico's cousin in GTA4. Not because I disliked the character, but he beat me at pool.
The Devil's Rejects get tortured in The Devil's Rejects: I actively hate the Devil's Rejects. I hate the characters and I hate the movie. So for me, the best bit was seeing them tied up at the mercy of Sheriff Wydell and tortured with a stapler. My only complaint is that they escaped. And that such a great piece of schadenfreude came in a movie as shitty as The Devil's Rejects.