...AND NOW FOR SOME REALLY SCARY MOVIES

(Originally published in the October and March issues of the BCU student magazine, much to the distaste of several High School Musical fans)


SEX AND THE CITY

At last, here comes the movie no-one was waiting for, save for women and gay men. Yes, it's Sex and the City. In which four old women (Ugly, Gingy, Slaggy and Hairy) go and have sex, talk about sex and change costumes. A lot.

From what I gathered from the trailer, the one with the chin and the lump is getting married to Mr. Big (she calls him this because of his double chins and belly). The ginger one hasn't shaved downstairs, and the other two don't do much.

It is, however, a really good film. It's like shoe porn (no, not the fetish type). The glittering shoes and dresses make up for the lack of characterisation and zombies. Although, Vivienne Westwood doesn't need to design a dress to make Sarah Jessica Parker look good. Paper bags come really cheap nowadays (admittedly, you'd need a big one to cover her enormous, triangular face). Sorry, did I say it was a good film? No… the other word… fucking awful. If I wanted to see a bunch of old harpies talking about sex, then I'd go down my Nan's social club. But I don't so I won't.

Anyway, it's billed as a comedy of sorts, so we can expect jokes. These include the Ugly One telling a little girl that life isn't like a fairytale and the Slaggy One chastising the Ginger One for having a hairy muff. It's also billed as a drama. The drama comes from it being a wedding, I suppose. I imagine the Ugly One has a dilemma, there's a few revelations, and it all culminates at the altar somehow. Judging from the "you'll always have friends" motif in the trailer, I wouldn't be surprised if the wedding's cancelled, and everything ends exactly as it began. There might even be a sequel or two (because, lets face it – lots of women will watch this movie, whether it's good or not).

The acting's about what you'd expect from a bunch of women who've never done anything notable in their careers. Which is to say it's awful. Sarah Jessica Parker narrates a lot, which is annoying. The Slaggy One does her best William Shatner impression, placing emphasis on words that don't need them. The Ginger One acts all hairy downstairs. And the Dark Haired One opens her mouth really wide (I saw her in a film with Meatloaf, which was infinitely more entertaining than this).

And there you have it. I wouldn't recommend Sex and the City to anyone besides women, who'll watch it whether it's good or not, because they'll be blinded by all the pretty dresses on show, putting the cause of feminism back by a good few years (SHOES EQUALS GOOD MOVIE).

1/5 stars
(Add five if you like shoes)




HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR

If watching mewling pretty-boys and girls flailing about and falling in love is your cup of tea, then you’ll enjoy High School Musical. All the classic HSM stuff is present and accounted for: lots of faux-angst, uplifting schmaltz and a plenty of Disney cheese. The kids are in their final year now, and what better way to celebrate than put on another High School Musical?!

The acting is horrible, whilst Zac Efron remains eminently vomit-inducing; his face as punchable as ever. Vanessa Bludgeons stands around looking pretty, whilst the blonde siblings give X-Factor’s ‘Same Difference’ a run for their money in terms of creepy-slightly-incestual-double-act stuff.

A terrible piece of Disney trash, then. Unless you go in for that sort of thing, HSM3 will make you hate your own DVD player.

-1000/5 stars

2 comments:

  1. Seriously dude, not cool!!!!! SATC is an amazing film!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. bittersweetkisses26 February 2009 at 12:05

    have u even watched the films?

    ReplyDelete